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Terry Pluto, cleveland.com Published: Jun. 11, 2022, 5:07 a.m.

CLEVELAND, Ohio – Frank (not his real name) is in his late 20s. I met him recently. We have a mutual friend who told me about Frank’s mother recently dying. That’s all I knew about his situation.

My friend introduced us and stepped away from the conversation.

“I’m sorry about your mom,” I said.

“It was a week ago today,” he said.

“Sounds tough,” I said. “Probably still feeling a little raw.”

He nodded.

I was silently praying, asking for God’s wisdom. I decided to keep quiet.

“It’s OK,” he said.

“Had she been ill for a while?” I asked.

“She was on drugs,” he said. “I really wasn’t that close to her.”

I nodded, telling myself to keep quiet.

“My grandparents raised me,” he said. “They were like my parents.”

“That’s good,” he said. “My dad is OK, too.”

I could hear his voice cracking a bit.

“If you feel sad, that’s all right,” I said. “It’s always hard losing someone close to you.”

“I never have used drugs,” he said. “I never drink…”

His voice trailed off.

“That’s smart,” I said.

“I saw enough of that stuff,” he said.

“I bet,” I said.

We talked a little more. He wasn’t sure of his feelings about his mother.

“We really weren’t that close,” he said.

Then I asked if I could pray for him. He nodded.

I put my hand on his shoulder and quietly prayed for God to give him comfort, to let him feel loved. I don’t recall what else I said. It was only a minute-long prayer. We were in a public place.

THE PAIN A CHILD FEELS

“No matter what is the situation with your mother, she is still your mother,” said Anthony Parker, pastor of Rhema Fellowship Church at 3400 St. Clair Ave. in Cleveland.

Parker has had a lot of experience in this area of drugs and families. He is a magistrate in North Randall. He’s a bailiff for Cuyahoga County Judge Cassandra Collier-Williams. His wife is Antoinette McSears-Parker, a social worker for the last 21 years.

“A child losing a parent to drugs happens more often than you think,” he said. “It creates grief a on different levels.”

Parker mentioned how the child often felt “embarrassed” by the problems of the parent. There is a powerful scene in the basketball movie Hoosierswhere the father of one of the players staggers onto the court drunk during his son’s high school game.

“So many children of parents with substance-abuse problems have painful stories,” said Father Bob Stec of St. Ambrose Catholic Church in Brunswick.

As Parker mentioned, there’s always a hope…even if it’s faint…that one day the parent will become sober.

“When that parent dies, so does that hope,” said Parker. “Even though they have been disappointed so many times by the parent, they still wish and hope it will be different. Now, they know it won’t.”

THERE CAN BE GUILT

Parker said he and his social worker wife have often heard stories like Frank’s.

“A difference is he’s had his grandparents to step in,” said Parker. “They were able to keep him out of the system. That’s the good part. We see a lot of kids go into the foster care system. They get into trouble. It’s time to go to court, and no one is there to support them. They are all alone.”

Stec is involved with the Greater Than Heroin Coalition. 

“The prescription drugs and the opioids hit people of all ages,” said Stec. “Usually, you hear about parents of children with addiction problems. But it’s everybody.”

Stec and Parker discussed “the guilt” the children of addicts sometimes experience.

They think there was something they should have done…

Or if they had been a better kid, this never would have happened…

“It’s not their fault,” said Parker. “They need to talk about it. Often, no one is dealing with the guilt. They also have grief and maybe anger over what happened with their parent.”

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